Updated: May 3
I’ve spent most of my adult life denying the indisputable fact that I am an immense spirit experiencing life on earth in a somewhat limited body. And it’s my beliefs in those limitations that have caused me to stay stuck in a state of vulnerability.
“I have asthma, and I’ll always have asthma.”
That thought right there has been the thought that made sure I stayed vulnerable. From the time I was hardly more than a baby and my mother would rush to my bedside at the first hint of an attack…oh my. She was still reacting from the trauma of my sister’s death! (Sudden realization: This is where the house fell on me!)
Being sick was my one sure way of commanding my mother’s attention, and that is a coping mechanism I’ve used throughout my life. When things got hard, or I was feeling lonely or neglected, I would have an attack, come down with a case of bronchitis, or pneumonia if it got really hard. It’s even expressed itself as a severe case of eczema on my hands because I had trouble giving up the massage practice I’d come to despise. I had even taken up smoking just to be sure I would be able to continue using this coping mechanism to my advantage.
All of this came rushing to the surface this morning, while in my normal practice of working with A Course in Miracles, the lesson being, “My attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability”.
We are asked in each of six practice periods throughout the day to choose a thought that’s concerning us and think of several potential outcomes of the concern.
“I am concerned about _______”
“I’m afraid _____ will happen.”
With my first practice period I went with the thought above, and it turns out that I have been afraid to love and accept myself. After all this time I’ve been counting on somebody else to supply this care and attention, be it my mother, a friend, my kids, or my husband, when I’ve had it within me all along.
Like Dorothy, in The Wizard of OZ, I could go home anytime I chose to. But then, who would Dorothy be without the adventures to discover this power?
My Yellow Brick Road has been terrifying, with several near-death experiences. But, each time I had an adventure (new name for asthma-related issue), I came out of it with new tool or skill that would move me closer to my own Emerald City.
I’ve finally arrived, but that doesn’t mean this is where I stop for good. It means I have greater responsibility to myself.
With the newfound treasure of my awareness, I can now be happy and healthy, able to express my purpose, making my body a sacred place, a magnificent home for my Immense Spirit, which belongs in a magnificent home, not a dark, cramped, spider-infested attic
Now my Magnificent Spirit and I have space to breathe and space to move, and freedom to express how much WE truly Love this Life!